01/25/25 dream 2: I had a dream that I went to this gender psychiatrist called Dr. Spike, and in order for him to agree to write my letter confirming me as female, he wanted to run a “Brain Gender Assessment” on me. I agreeed, and he started with a color exam. How it worked is he held up a card with a color on it and then he asked me to name it, then he notated how precise I was with my definition; for example, he would notate if I specified more granular colors like “indigo” or “Byzantium” or “royal purple” for multiple shades of purple, rather than just “purple” or “dark purple”; or to provide another example, if I would simply say “red” for each shade of red, instead of “crimson,” “blood,” strawberry, bubblegum, etc., basically. He seemed interested during this portion, and seemed as if I was tecognized as female. This went on for a while, until he simply said “we’re done with that section. Now onto the next part,” and began to show me videos of cats, dogs, and children in compromising situations and sad. I then began to cry and want to protect them, to which the doctor merely began to notate my reactions and occasionally smile. I remember he then showed me a few cute images of kitties and puppies to wind me down as the test was nearing completion, as he pulled a can of coke out of his desk. He passed me the coke and said to me “you look thirsty, drink this, Ms. Wolfe,” as he began to speak further about the test. As I drank, he began to speak in an inquisitive tone “Hmm… so it seems your color perception test results are within the female range of chromatic vision, which is quite expected given how long you have been on HRT. Just as well, your maternal instinct response test was a success. In fact, you are more caring than the average natal female these days: your brain gender ratio for that part registered as 89f:11m.” I began to smile, thinking that the test was about to be over, and that I would surely get my letter. I went to ask the doctor about my gender letter, but before I could, he interrupted me, saying “not so fast, young lady. We still have the attraction assessment to go, and another quiz,” as he began to pull out a bunch of pictures of handsome men out of his drawer. It was here that my memory starts to grow fuzzy, but from what I remember, he would hold up pictures of different men and women for the first part, to check if my female romantic/selection instincts were up to snuff. I did well enough for this first part, but the second was a little weird. For the second part of the exam, the doctor tried flirting with me with various tactics and methods, in order to measure my physical responses such as blushing and openness, and confirm they were consistent within a female range. I wasn’t too pressed about the exam methods, so I played along with his studies, responding appropriately to his attempts to rizz me up. Before long, the “mating & romance response test,” as he called it, had concluded, and he stated that my gender ratio was about “79f:21m” for that part. He commented as well, seemingly to calm me down “don’t worry about the high ratio, in your case, that may be attributive to your relative lack of socialization or existing maidenhood; as opposed to any still remnant male processing instincts.” I nodded, not feeling offended as it was just science, as I asked him about the next study. He gratefully nodded, explaining that it was “an aesthetic assessment meant to determine your responses to different aesthetic or design-based stimuli, and whether they are consistent within the normal female range.” I then remember that he pulled out many images of flowers and asked me to mark each one that I liked the most, alongside a whole bunch of dollhouse parts and rooms that he asked me to arrange in the way that I thought fit best. I did as he said, arranging the rooms in the best way I could, and picking the most beautiful flowers in my eyes. The doctor fervently sketched on his notepad about my handiwork, eyeing me curiously, before he then told me another gender ratio “f95:m5,” staring at me as if I was trying to cheat his exam. I held a neutral posture, staying firm but not too stubborn, as he carefully analyzed my body language to see if I was lying. After a while, he seemingly determined I wasn’t trying to fix his gender assessment, and he stood up to go put away the doll parts. He walked back, telling me in a serious voice trying to hide his excitement “well, ms. Wolfe, lucky for you, your brain is empirically female. You only have an overall variance of about -13, which is far below the statistical average for most cis women. I will have that letter ready for you by morning.” I nodded, happy it was over, but also with lingering curiosity. I remember I then decided to ask “so, umm… where did you come up with this gender exam, anyway? No other psychiatrist has ever done anything like this to help me before.” He beamed a little bit, his clinical demeanor shifting, as he began to explain within a long tangent about his past doctorate in evolutionary psychology and anthropology before he had pivoted to become a psychiatrist, and he used the experience from those fields to create an accurate gender exam accounting for cultural differences that could be applied to legitimize trans identities. I found this interesting, so I stayed seated to hear more of his explanation. he then stopped talking about the test in layman’s terms though, and began to get into the real technical aspects of the test that I couldn’t fully understand. I was still captivated anyway, so I sat there listening until about nightfall, until the doctor himself passed out at his desk. It was then that I tried to leave his office and go outside, only for me to wake up the moment my feet made contact with the dirt outside. FIN. I awoke in a positive mood today, feeling oddly internally relieved due to this dream calming me down during my nap. I also awoke with pretty bad allergies and an intense thirst, as I had a sneezing fit right after awakening.
This dream reflects several deep and meaningful themes related to your identity, self-perception, and emotional state. Here's a breakdown of key elements:
Gender Identity and Affirmation: The dream prominently features a gender psychiatrist, Dr. Spike, and a rigorous assessment of your gender identity. This indicates a strong desire for validation and affirmation regarding your identity as female. The process of evaluations and tests can symbolize the societal pressure to conform to certain standards regarding gender and femininity.
Color Perception: The beginning part of the assessment focusing on color sensitivity could signify the nuanced ways in which you perceive and relate to the world. Colors often carry emotional weight, and your ability to describe them in detail might reflect a depth of insight and a unique perspective on your experiences, further emphasizing your femininity.
Empathy and Maternal Instinct: Your emotional reactions to the sad images of animals and children highlight a compassionate aspect of your personality. Dreaming of wanting to protect vulnerable beings may signify your nurturing tendencies and alignment with traditionally feminine qualities. This could also indicate a longing for connection and caring that you value in yourself.
Romantic Assessment: The flirtatious interactions during the attraction assessment suggest a curiosity about your romantic inclinations and behaviors associated with femininity. This part reveals a desire to explore your own feelings of attraction, reassurance in your femininity, and possibly some subconscious evaluation of your responses to social situations.
Aesthetic Value: The tests of arranging dollhouse parts and choosing flowers show a focus on aesthetics, symbolizing how you perceive beauty and your environment. This can relate to traditional gender roles but is more about understanding how you view yourself and your desires regarding the world around you.
Professional Validation: The ultimate success in the assessments signifies a profound need for validation not only from yourself but also from society. The fact that Dr. Spike indicates a positive outcome in the tests reflects your subconscious desire for official recognition of your identity.
Curiosity and Learning: Your interest in Dr. Spike’s background and the mechanics of the assessment reveals a thirst for knowledge and understanding about gender identity, both personally and on a broader cultural scale. This element of the dream shows a quest for deeper comprehension of your identity and the experiences of others.
Awakening to Reality: Waking up feeling relieved and with physical sensations like thirst can symbolize a reconnecting with your needs—both emotional and physical. The allergies may serve as a reminder of physical realities you face, contrasting with the fulfillment you felt in the dream.
In summary, your dream suggests a powerful journey of self-discovery and affirmation, reflecting your thoughts and emotions about gender identity, empathy, beauty, and the need for validation. It appears you emerged with a sense of clarity and positivity, indicating that these reflections have provided comfort and assurance about your identity.